February 2015 There weren't any appointments. I spent time learning how to understand the pain I would feel whenever I got stressed. It was like my stomach was on fire. Sometimes it hurts to breathe. There wasn't one position that was more comfortable than another. Since this was all new to me I continued to pray and go about my daily activities. TYL for giving me the strength. (The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoiceth; and with my song will I praise him. Psalm 28:7)  and for the songs of comfort.

3-11-15 The pain continues to come and go. Since I am not sure how I should feel or if there is something wrong, I call my doctor. She sets an appointment for the next day. After my visit with her there is a CT scan scheduled for 3-14-15, this was a little off schedule, but there was concern that things may have changed. Waiting, that is what really doesn't help, I prayed that there would be some positive results. (Hear my prayer, O Lord, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness. Psalm 143:1) It is difficult waiting for the results and trying to act as though you are not worried. So prayer,songs, work, and staying busy is how I filled that time. I prayed for others so I would not be so consumed with my own problem.

3-19-15 I had a follow-up visit with my oncologist. The scan showed there had not been any negative change and very little positive change in the size of the mass. I took that as good news. Any shrinkage is better than growth. TYL

3-25-15 I had my yearly mammogram. TYL everything is yet normal.

4-9-2015 This would have been the month for the follow-up CT, but since I had one in March I only had my blood drawn and doctor’s visit. My blood counts had not changed and my weight was staying within a 5 pound range. Just one doctor visit in April and back to life as it was, CHAOTIC.

1-3-15 Dear Lord as we enter into this new year I don’t know how these situations and I fit into your plan, but please walk with and carry me when needed. I am concerned about Chris if something happens to me first. But I believe you will not leave him in any harm. He is special to me and I know he is even more special to you. There are so many things to look forward to in this year, but I want to be in your will and be able to give you the glory through it all. Anything or anyone that are not a part of your plan for me, show me and help me be content with the outcome. I know you are really the one who takes care of all situations in my life, I just need to truly believe it in my heart, mind and spirit. (Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.)

1-15-15 Today I have my CT scan to determine if the two T.A.C.E have made any progress in shrinking the mass in my liver. (Therefore being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: Romans 5:1)  No matter what the doctor’s verdict I yet know my Lord is with me. TYL for being with me and keeping my faith strong.

The doctor let me know that the T.A.C.E had not been as aggressive as he had hoped. They were not going to put me through another one of those procedures at this time. I was to come back next week to make sure all the wounds were healing and I was feeling better. As I said before those procedures left me weak, nauseated, unable to eat, I lost about 20 pounds during those 2 months. It was hard going to work, but with the Lord’s help I did. Even though I had been dieting by decreasing the amount of food I ate, people noticed the quick weight loss.

1-22-15 Today would be my last visit with my doctor for a while. He suggested I have a visit and talk with my regular doctor about upcoming options. So, it was time to pull out all of the weapons of prayer that I could and contact those I believe would “Pray without ceasing. (1 Thessalonians 5:17)”  for and with me. As family and friends began to pray there seemed to be no peace in my home life. I began to want to stay at work, even after we closed, so I didn't have to face the turmoil. The stress was so draining that about 5:00 p.m. I would began feeling worse and by the time I got home all I wanted to do was lay down. There wasn’t any physical abuse, but the mental abuse of thinking I had help and didn’t was discouraging.

1-23-15 Today is my birthday. TYL!!! With everything that has happened in the last year, good and bad, I am glad to be here. I want to celebrate. I want to be happy and healthy, it didn’t happen like that so I’m just happy to be. I may not be pain or stress free, but I’m here. I have family and friends, a job, food, clothing and shelter. I have a  lot to be thankful for. I have the Lord in my heart and walking this journey with me. TYL. (But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. Isaiah 40:31)

Both treatments were done early in the morning as an outpatient surgery. In August we left the hospital with an emesis bag, I felt worse than I did with any of my pregnancies. I was vomiting at every slow down and stop from the hospital home. We stopped at the pharmacy to get more bags and some Ensure. It was two days before I keep anything down. Although I was able to eat soup and crackers my mouth had a burning feeling and my throat hurt. When I looked in my mouth, it looked like cottage cheese had been smeared in it. It was after doctors hours on a Friday, so I went to the walk in clinic at the pharmacy. Their appointment sheet was full for the evening, but when I showed the nurse my mouth she gave me a special appointment. TYL I was treated with a mixture called “swish and spit”. A couple of days of that and my mouth was better.  (Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Psalm 23:4)  TYL, that I know you are there to comfort me even in the most dangerous shadows of my life. I don’t have to fear, if I remember just this small portion of scripture.

In September, I couldn’t stop vomiting long enough to leave the hospital, so I stayed overnight. I was able to received the needed medicine to calm down the vomiting and went home the next day. I remembered everything I went through in August and had plenty of Ensure, soup and crackers at home. This time, however, I didn’t need to use the “swish and spit”. TYL Recovery time was about the same, so I was glad I didn’t have to think about any kind of treatment during the holidays.

11-21-14 Don’t ever feel bad or sorry for putting a smile in my heart. Any smile we can add to a person's life is a blessing and may add another moment to their desire to live.

THANKSGIVING: My family had so much to be thankful for this year, not only had I been going through, but my mom had also been sick, in the hospital and had surgery. There are three states that we rotate our Thanksgiving between (we go to Mississippi every year for Memorial Day, it is where my mother is from) and this year we were to go to Virginia. Thinking about the travel time, my mom and I’s condition, my sister brought Thanksgiving to Dancing Bear Lodge in Branson, Missouri. Although the whole family could not attend we had a group of 22, which is about half, and all four states were represented. TYL It was the best a bitter-sweet Thanksgiving. “Bitter”-  not knowing my condition, I tried to explain it to my family the best I could and make sure they all understood their roles in Chris’ life if something happened to me first. “Sweet” - we were together at this awesome place, able to enjoy each other again, mom and pop, my siblings and their spouses, nephews and nieces, and Chris - my other boys and their families could not come. But TYL I am here to enjoy all of this.  (O give thanks unto the Lord; for he is good; for his mercy endureth for ever. 1 Chronicles 16:34)

CHRISTMAS: (For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. Luke 2:11)  Celebrating the birth of Jesus. I found out I was going to be a grandmother again. This time twins. WOW, what a gift. We all shared a little time together, but mostly Christmas was spent at our homes. TYL for another holiday and chance to give thanks for your birth, without it there would be nothing for me to believe in or any hope of positive things to come.

NEW YEARS 2015: Looking back on 2014 and all the good, bad, and ugly (smile) situations that happened, I am still grateful for life. I am grateful for my LORD, that keeps me encouraged and I believe helps me look at the positive and futuristic side of life, I have not always been this way. TYL for all of the challenges and all of the new people I have met because of this situation. TYL for the doctors that spent the time and money to specialize in this field to help people like me, we all have our purpose. I really TYL for the support and concern of family and friends, there are people willing to help that I didn’t even know about. TYL. As I embrace a new year and its’ challenges I know I will not be walking it alone, spiritually or physically. TYL (I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. Psalm 121:1-2)

August 2014 the doctors have decided to try and treat the growth, that is now the size of a small orange, by attaching chemo beads at the end of the blood vessels feeding the growth. By blocking the blood vessels they hope to stop any additional growth and kill the it, the procedure is called TransArterial ChemoEmbolization (TACE). However, because of the size and location I am experiencing pressure on the hepatic vein and artery, my lungs, heart, large intestine and it causes me to have back pains, nausea and shortness of breath.

This month it was tried on the right side of the liver. In September they plan to do the same procedure on the left side.

The procedure caused me to feel even worse for a while. I was on an Ensure diet because nothing else would stay a down, sound, smelled, or tasted good. Within a couple of days my eating was better.

Another CT scan in October showed there had been a very small change in size. The doctors decided to wait until after the holidays before doing anything else. “We will let her have her holidays with her family without being sick and weak, we can get another CT scan in January 2015 and see where we go from there .” 

Through it all I give thanks to the Lord because I could feel worse, or not be able to take care of myself.  I also thank Him for all of the encouragement from family, friends and doctors. I thank Him for sending people with uplifting words and healing material for me to listen to and read. TYL

(In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. 1 Thessalonians 5:18)

Thanks for the reminder to REJOICE no matter what is going on in this life. If we are in Him He will see us through, He is our strength. (Then he said unto them, Go your way, eat the fat, and drink the sweet, and send portions unto them for whom nothing is prepared: for this day is holy unto our Lord: neither be ye sorry; for the joy of the Lord is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10)

On this journey, I know the Lord is carrying me. When I think of mistakes I have made in life I ask for His forgiveness. When I feel the pains of this situation, I ask for His strength. Yes, I continue to ask for complete healing, but I ask mostly that I walk in His will for whatever the purpose and to give me strength and I will give Him the glory.

As I continue to wait for some word from the doctors, there are those who come to encourage and help and there are those who seem not know what to do. They say things and act in ways you hope they don’t mean. It is the words and actions of loved ones that can hurt the most. They are where I am looking for encouragement  & strength. It is how Satan plays. UNFAIR. But I am glad I know I can always rely on the Lord.

As I pray and wait to hear what the doctors are planning to do next, I continue to work, take care of Chris, my home and go to church. This is not an easy task because the pain, weakness and nausea seems to vary day by day. There are days I have to go to an area by myself for 10 to 15 minutes at a time until I feel good enough to work. Home life is stressful which did not help any of the situation. With Chris’ father I never knew if he was going to be there or how many other people would be with him. Many times I just wanted to find a place, take Chris and escape it all.   

7-22-14 Dear Lord, You made this world and all that are in it. You see the pain and I just ask for peace to the mind and spirit of your people, including me. Keep us seeking your will and living in it. In Jesus name. Amen

(Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. Isaiah 26:3)

So, back to Olathe Medical Center and my local doctor. They didn’t really offer any immediate treatment either.

Somewhat in shock but wanting to believe “this was not happening to me”, I tried to maintain my daily routine the best I could. The next day I went to work and told my manager the results. I have been working at my job since 1994 and with the same manager since 2000, so this was like telling my family. We cried and prayed, then I went back to work. I had been praying with him for his mother who was already going through some medical problems.

Many times, during the years, I have thought of leaving my job, but that is when someone lets me know how much I am appreciated or will come in needing prayer. So I have stayed. Now this, I thought, how can I prayer for others and be the inspiration I felt I was suppose to be with all of this going on inside of me? That was when I remember the story of Paul’s “thorn in the flesh”. This is not about me, it is about the Lord and Him getting the glory. And lest I should be exalted above measure through the abundance of the revelations, there was given to me a thorn in the flesh… For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. II Corinthians 12:7-9.  

As I prayed and worked each day I felt it important to informed my co-workers of my situation. I was not wanting pity or special treatment, but wanted them to understand why I may not always be so energetic. Some cried, I tried to make light of the situation, we exchanged hugs and I told them “I just wanted you to know in case you saw me staring off in space, you could tell me to get back to work. Or if I am stumbling and moving slow it is not because I have taken up drinking.” We got a laugh from it and went back to work. I am glad for their watchfulness and concern. They are a blessing. TYL

From April 8 to June 23, 2014, I had 12 hospital or doctor’s visits getting scanned, tested, biopsied, and results. Their final result conversation went like this, as he showed me the MRI film:

Doctor: “Where your mass is located we will not be able to operate. Surgery is not an option because it passes thru your Hepatic vein and artery (the main blood vessels) and you could possibly bleed out.”

Me: “So what is your recommended option?”

Doctor: “Well, I can’t operate, but maybe there is some way it can be treated.”

Me: “Ok?”

Doctor: “You will need to discuss that with your local attending physician.”

He shook my hand and showed us the door.  

Although I was somewhat in a state of shock, I kept remembering all of the times God has blessed our family and proved the doctor’s diagnosis to be incorrect. (Be strong and of a good courage, fear not, nor be afraid of them: for the LORD thy God, he it is that doth go with thee; he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee. Deuteronomy 31:6)

Flashback: At the age of 14 my Mom had a ruptured appendix. The doctors opened

her side so it could drain. They told my grandmother to take her home,

there was nothing more they could do. My grandmother and the church

prayed for her and she is now 85 years old. There was fear that she

should not get pregnant because her side might be too weak to carry

full term. She gave birth to 5 children naturally with no complications from

her appendix.

Now let me tell you about the journey the Lord has me on…

This awakening to reason started December 2013 with a colonoscopy, I guess it would be November 2012 with an abnormal colonoscopy having 15 polyps. Thinking back it started where everything starts, at the beginning - - - BIRTH, because there has been extraordinary God showings every since then, they will be notated as “Flashbacks”.

So back to December 2013, my follow up to the November 2012 visit, I only had 3 polyps, that was awesome, I thought. So life went on but I had begin hurting in various parts of my abdominal cavity, hum?

For weeks my chest would hurt every time I got up after lying curled on my side. About the third day the person that went with me, in 2013, reminded me that the doctors said “while in recovery, there was a problem with getting her heart started so we had to do deep chest messages to get her heart started”. Just a note: if you go with someone to a procedure where they are put in a dream state of awareness, just because they are verbally responding doesn’t mean they remember any of the conversation, remind them later of important contents of the conversations. And be kind and don’t ask unnecessary questions, smile! TYL, for the pain when the medicine wears off, the discomfort reminded me, I’m alive.

It was no wonder lying in a fetal position was comfortable, but rolling out of it was “Oh my Lord, what is going on?” So, after I found that out, I would roll out, stretch, thank the Lord and I could feel my chest pop back in place. Painful at first, but it got better with time.

As I said, physically, I kept feeling worse in my abdominal area. In March 2014, I was bloated, couldn’t have a regular bowel movement, felt nauseated and my back was in constant pain; I had gotten use to my morning chest stretches by then, they were nothing in comparison to everything else.With the lifting and positioning of my son I thought that might have contributed to some of the problems I was having. So I made an appointment with my doctor and had a full day of testing. The blood work, CT scan, bone density test, x-rays showed I had a mass in my liver, however the blood work tested negative for cancer cells.

Listen to your body and react. If something doesn’t feel normal, then something is probably not right.

In April 2014, the testing from March was not good enough so I was sent to KU medical center for a MRI and blood test. The MRI and blood test came back positive for inoperable Cholangiocarcinoma (cancer of the liver). For the next few months I was in a doctor's office or getting a scan or a biopsy every other week.

Flashback: In 1975, while a senior in High School, there was a pea size lump

found in my beast, the doctor scheduled me for a biopsy. For the week prior to

my biopsy I went to work with my Mom, who was working at a nursing home at

night. There was a nurse assistant working with her named Maria. Maria would

pray with me every night during the shift that on the day of my biopsy everything

would be alright.

The day of the biopsy: I was given all of the pre medicine and prepared for

the procedure when the doctor decided to recheck the marked the area. With my Mom and Aunt standing there. He looked at them and said “Let me check the other breast, maybe they marked the wrong one. I don’t find anything abnormal

in either breast. I’m not sure what happened, you may take her home”. There has not been anything found in my breast to this day.

Just wanted you to know why my doctor was concerned about cancer, also my dad at the age of 89 had passed with prostate cancer.

The Journey - TLY

Dedicated to LIFE:

It is 3:45 a.m. July 17, 2015, God has awaken me, unscrambling my life’s journey. May it be an inspiration and blessing to you. TYL = Thank You Lord

Life is a journey. (Man that is born of a woman is of few days and full of trouble.  Job 14:1)  From the time we are born to the time our spirit leaves our body, we are constantly at cross roads, making choices and being presented with challenges, some greater than others. Some choices are so routine or simple we just do them, like our morning routines of getting up and starting our day. Then there are the times we must choose our attitude about a situation, be positive or be negative. However, I believe the most challenging are the situations of the heart, body and soul; whether yourself, family or friends.

For years I have been on a journey with my son, Chris. I have not walked this journey alone. There are family members and friends that have walked this path with us. Some are still walking with us; some by death or their own decision has left the path, but God has provided others to take their place. (Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him. Matthew 6:8). I always thought this would be the most challenging path of my life, living every day with the thought of getting the phone call or finding Chris has passed. God has been my spiritual strength every morning when I step into his room. TYL

Flashback: In 1977 I gave birth my first born, a son. At the age of 2 months he

was in an accident that left him diagnosed with a life expectancy of 2

years and during that time he wasn’t suppose to respond to anything.

TYL. He is now 37, physically he is diagnosed with having physical

self-help skill equivalent to a  6 months but mentally he understands

and responds. TYL, he can operate switches with his head,

including his wheelchair and items at his job; YES he has a job!